


Impulse

by yetnotyet



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 13:30:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18208940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yetnotyet/pseuds/yetnotyet
Summary: Their relationship had always been based on impulse.





	Impulse

The memory drowned Haseul's mind like it did every Saturday.

 

She didn't know if it was good or bad, that she couldn't stop thinking about Jungeun. And the blonde was always avoiding her, as if Haseul was poison. And maybe she was poison; Haseul felt like she was hurting herself too.

 

Haseul wanted to leave the apartment this Saturday. Perhaps hang out with Kahei and clear her mind. It probably wasn't meant to be, anyway. Just a senseless kiss based on impulse, not thought out.

 

She took a deep breath and called Kahei. Haseul was too caught up, she didn't even think to message the girl; see what she was up to. It was egoistic, that's what it was. Haseul used to be better.

 

" _Good morning, Jo Haseul..._ " The voice trailed, as if she was thinking and not really speaking.

 

"Hey. Are you busy?" Haseul spoke a little too fast, and backtracked. "Ah, sorry. Morning to you too."

 

Kahei laughed. " _Um.. I don't know. What are your plans_?"

 

Haseul furrowed her eyebrows, scratching her head for an idea that simply wasn't there. "I don't know, to be honest. I thought you might have an idea."

 

" _Okay… and what about Jungeun?_ " The name made Haseul swallow thick, taking a moment to stretch the phone away and take a deep breath before going back to it again.

 

"She isn't… home. She's busy, I guess." She pressed her lips together, shutting her eyes. Trying not to think about Jungeun was a hard task.

 

" _Okay. Well… I was thinking maybe we could hang. And bring the unnie squad too. You know… you, me, Jinsoul and Sooyoung_."

 

Haseul smiled for the first time since she had woken up. "Yeah. That sounds good. Moonshine?"

 

" _Hell yeah. Okay, you call Jinsoul and I'll call Sooyoung_."

 

"Alright. See you there." She hung up the phone, licking her lips and taking another deep breath.

 

It seemed like it would remain another never ending habit of hers since she met Jungeun.

 

Haseul shook her head, almost to see if the thought would be batted away with the movement; no trustworthy conclusion on that note. She pressed Jinsoul's numbers on the screen, but chose not to call. Maybe Jinsoul was with someone, it was hard to know when it came to her.

 

Instead, Haseul texted.

 

 **Haseul:** _hey jingolassssss_

 

 **Jinsoul:** _geez why are you up so early_

 

 **Haseul:** _idk why are you up so early_

 

 **Jinsoul:** _none of your business._

 

 **Jinsoul:** _anyway what's up_

 

 **Haseul:** _nothing much. was just wondering if you wanna hit up moonshine with us_

 

 **Haseul:** _by us I mean Kahei, Sooyoung and yours truly_

 

 **Jinsoul:** _oh. cool. I'm with Jungeun though_

 

 **Haseul:** _ah. then you better stay with her._

 

 **Jinsoul:** _are you sure? we can still come_

 

 **Haseul:** _nah, it's okay. stay with Jungeun._

 

[...]

 

 

"Where is Jinsoul?"

 

Haseul looked up from her phone on the table to see Kahei and Sooyoung approaching.

 

"Hello to you too." She smiled, getting up from her seat to hug them. It had been a while since Haseul last saw Kahei, and an even bigger chunk since she saw Sooyoung. To put it simply, things could easily change in three weeks or so.

 

"Your hair is not pink anymore." She pointed out, causing both Kahei and Sooyoung to burst into a fit of laughter.

 

"Haseul, you should pay more attention to social media." Sooyoung stated as she settled into her chair, smiling brightly.

 

"Is that the rhetoric now? I thought social media was unhealthy." Haseul furrowed her eyebrows, playing confused.

 

"It goes both ways." Kahei clarified, or tried to. "Is Jinsoul coming?"

 

"Nope."

 

That's all Haseul wanted to say, but it was clear in her mind that Kahei was going to pry, and even clearer, get whatever answers she craved.

 

"Why?"

 

Haseul took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second. The memories hit her like a truck, again, drowning her. It was like headlights, all up in her space, and not even closing her eyes helped; it made it stronger.

 

"Haseul?"

 

She felt Sooyoung's hand close around her wrist and the lights clicked out, brief like the alarm of a car.

 

"I- sorry. Uh… Jinsoul… didn't want to come. She said she was busy."

 

Kahei and Sooyoung exchanged glances for a second. Haseul pretended not to notice, only if just to feel a little more normal.

 

"Anyway, I'll go get our orders. Same usual?" Sooyoung asked, getting up from the table.

 

Haseul and Kahei nodded. As soon as the girl was out of their speaking range, Kahei locked eyes with Haseul, silently asking what the hell was happening.

 

"... she's with Jungeun." she whispered, closing her hands into fists unconsciously, swallowing another thick ball of nerves which just bounced happily around her stomach, reminding her of the anxiety.

 

"Haseul..." Kahei reached for her, but the girl only recoiled in subdued anger, trying to control her chest from going up and down too fast.

 

"No. It was my mistake pretending something could happen between us. I shouldn't… I shouldn't have kissed her." Her fingers trembled as she said the last words, pressing her lips together until there was no more color in them, trying to make the tears welling in her eyes disappear.

 

Haseul felt arms wrap around her back, another pair wrap around her waist. She was engulfed in a hug, knowing there were her friends comforting her even if she felt like she didn't deserve it. The pain subsided and there was no more dampness in her cheeks. Haseul didn't even worry if others were curiously looking at them, because for once, she was at peace.

 

[...]

 

 

When she arrived home, she was drunk and tired. Haseul threw her coat on the floor, not even caring if it wasn't proper, and opened the door to her room. It was dark, and a drunk Jo Haseul would never find the light switch, not even if it was right in her face.

 

She waddled around, tip-tapping slowly to find her bed.

 

"Ow- fuck..." Haseul cursed, stubbing her toe on the corner of the bed. She climbed to the mattress, wiggling closer to the headboard, eyes already closed.

 

Haseul patted the bed for the blanket.

 

The bed wasn't empty.

 

She held her breath, suddenly all too conscious of her every move. It was her, Haseul was sure of it - Jungeun's scent was unmistakable - but why was she on her bed? Did she have a guest or something?

 

Haseul couldn't help but wonder.

 

Very carefully, she started getting up. Haseul was very tired, but she never, in a million years, wanted to make Jungeun uncomfortable. And Haseul's presence was certainly making Jungeun uncomfortable, in her mind.

 

Just as her feet reached the floor, Jungeun grabbed her wrist. Haseul had no idea if she was still asleep, because the blonde had told her before she sleep-walked sometimes. She was pulled in back to the bed, and Jungeun held her waist, locking her in place. Haseul didn't know what to do, and sleep was already taking her away.

 

She couldn't fight it. But Haseul didn't want to either. Jungeun so close, Jungeun holding her, even if it wasn't really her… it was kind of like heaven.

 

Perhaps, Haseul was meant to only knock on heaven's door for eternity. But if this was knocking? She wouldn't ever mind remaining locked out of heaven. Haseul was easily fine with it.

 

[...]

 

 

The headache was throbbing like it was its first time coming to the show, headlining inside the thick, sensitive walls of Haseul's brain. It knocked against her temples, burning her from the inside out.

 

She got up unwillingly, traversing through the apartment with the heel of her hand against burning skin, opening the cabinets and drawers to find something to ease the pain. Someone knocked, and Haseul sighed, really wanting to go back to bed and sleep it off.

 

Haseul opened the door, startled by a frantic Jinsoul rapidly going through the apartment, searching every nook and cranny for something, or better yet, someone.

 

"Have you seen Jungeun?" The blonde panicked, crossing her arms as a way to comfort herself. Haseul furrowed her eyebrows, confused and still consumed by the pain in her head.

 

"What do you mean?" She asked, trying to make sense of the situation. She couldn't remember the night before, for some reason.

 

"Jungeun told me she would meet me, but she never showed up. I'm worried and she won't take my calls or texts. I think her phone is turned off."

 

Haseul took a deep breath, trying to remember anything that would help, but her mind was blank.

 

"I don't know. I haven't seen her recently."

 

Jinsoul took Haseul by the wrist and they sat side by side on the couch.

 

"Haseul… Jungeun told me some things. I think it's time that you know… we broke up."

 

The girl's eyes widened. She couldn't understand it. Why would they… why would they now?

 

"Why? So suddenly?" Haseul could feel her heart beating faster.

 

Jinsoul just sighed, looking down, avoiding Haseul's gaze.

 

"It just… wasn't working out. For a long time now, actually. Her attention was always elsewhere when we were together. And then, she told me. About the two of you."

 

Haseul had to physically clutch herself to avoid falling over. Jinsoul knew about the kiss? It couldn't be; she couldn't be the cause of a breakup. Not her.

 

She closed her eyes, feeling torn and out of control. This wasn't Haseul, this wasn't the way she knew herself. Haseul wasn't a troublemaker, in any sense of the word. It was so out of character for her.

 

 _But this was you_ , she told herself. _This was you, you did this_. There was bitterness in her tongue and she hadn't even taken any pills for the long gone headache.

 

Haseul covered her face with her hands, in shame. "Jinsoul, I… it was just a kiss. I- I… I didn't mean it, I swear."

 

"It's okay, Haseul. I know everything already. No need to downplay what happened."

 

"What? I- I don't understand-"

 

"She told me you two slept together."

 

The girl's mouth open and closed repeatedly, but she couldn't say anything. It was like the air was stolen from her lungs. She felt the back of her neck grow cold.

 

It was Sunday, but in Haseul's mind, it was Saturday again.

 

_She was waiting for Jungeun. Haseul had sent her off in the morning for an audition, and all day all she could think was how brave Jungeun was for still chasing her dreams._

_It had been a while already. Jungeun was probably coming back soon and Haseul was excited; she was sure the girl was going to be accepted. After all, Kim Jungeun was the whole package._

_Haseul heard the door opening and ran from her bedroom, meeting Jungeun's eyes as soon as she could see them._

_And her eyes were cold, not a trace of the warmth Haseul was used to seeing._

_The blonde girl was silent as she locked the door behind her. Haseul noticed her chest going up and down as if she had run a marathon. Jungeun's hands were closed into fists._

_"Jungeun..." She approached her slowly, afraid any sudden move would just break Jungeun further._

_"I froze. I couldn't. I was… just so afraid, Haseul..." Tears pooled in her eyes, sliding down her cheeks with a levity that was so sure, but so wrong at the same time. "My voice wouldn't come out, my feet wouldn't move… I failed..."_

_Haseul embraced the girl quickly, shaking her head. "You didn't. It's okay. You'll get another chance, I swear. And if they don't take you, they're missing out." She whispered in her ear, hugging Jungeun tight. Her heart tightened with every sob that broke out of Jungeun, and she wouldn't let go so soon._

_"... you're just saying that… to comfort me."_

_"It's nice that it comforts you… but I'm saying it 'cause it's the truth."_

_Jungeun backed out of the hug, and Haseul didn't spend a second not looking into her eyes. She smiled sweetly, still holding her hands. Slowly, the way the blonde stared back at her started setting everything on fire. Haseul couldn't remember ever feeling for someone, what she felt for Jungeun in that moment._

_There was no way of knowing who lunged first, but it was a split second until their mouths connected, no taking time for anything else but reaching for skin under soft fabric. The sun seeping through the cracks on the curtains certainly made Haseul dizzy, but Jungeun upgraded the effect up to a hundred, if not more._

_Her hands clung to every part of her she could reach, still kissing Haseul with fervor, not caring about anything else, not even the failed audition. It all slipped away._

But what slipped away?, _she didn't even care. It was Haseul she wanted right now. It was Haseul she was going to have._

_They found their way to the bedroom with no troubles whatsoever, shirts mysteriously gone missing, buttons sneakily unclasped as they continued to make out-_

 

"Haseul?"

 

She snapped herself awake and the headlights were once again, gone.

 

"Sorry. I… spaced out."

 

"You don't need to apologize for anything." Jinsoul reassured her, but Haseul was still very uncertain of things. "We were taking a break and there was no… breach of commitment."

 

"It still doesn't feel right, Jinsoul." Haseul picked at her brain, really ashamed of herself. "It still doesn't excuse anything."

 

Jinsoul patted her shoulder, trying to comfort Haseul. "You're not responsible for all that's happened. Neither for our relationship. Don't feel guilty, okay?"

 

She would try to. Together with trying to forget about Jungeun and Saturday.

 

[...]

 

 

Haseul sat on the sidewalk, outside the entrance of the apartment complex she grew to loathe for very particular reasons, one of them being the memories were too unbearable. She couldn't even sleep in her bed anymore; despite it being more comfortable than the sofa.

 

She covered her face with her palms, feeling another headache slowly growing in the middle of her eyes, scrunching all the muscles to subdue the pain just a little. Not even the cold night set the temperature of her body down, and Haseul had been downing glasses of water throughout the whole day.

 

The roar of an engine ended her lack of attention and she had to blink at least a dozen times to make sure what she was seeing wasn't a mirage. She hoped Jungeun slamming the car door shut wasn't because of her or anything of the sort.

 

Jo Haseul had seconds to see Kahei behind the wheels. And quickly, she was gone, leaving the two alone.

 

"I'm so done with her today..." Jungeun mumbled through ragged breaths, being careful not to eye Haseul too much. The older girl wondered why, but kept silent in case the blonde was about to start talking. She wanted to give her as much space to do so as possible.

 

Jungeun sat beside her on the sidewalk, brushing her hair away from her face, and even in low light, she looked heavenly. Her skin glowed and her lips looked glossy, but Haseul would never say this out loud.

 

The blonde sighed, staring at the cement on the ground. "This is tiring, Haseul. Everyone wants answers but no one wants to wait for them."

 

"Yeah." She nodded, agreeing with Jungeun wholeheartedly. She wondered why everything just had to be immediate.

 

"Are you the same thing, Haseul?" The girl picked at weeds growing through the cracks on the sidewalk, probably trying to distract herself. From what, the older girl didn't know. "I mean, I know you want answers… but are you willing to wait for them or not, you know?"

 

"I know..." she trailed, but Haseul really didn't know. In fact, Haseul thought what she knew wouldn't be good said out loud. Just like every thought in her mind relating to Jungeun wouldn't be. She had grown to learning how to hide what she really felt, maybe because it would be inconvenient, or awkward. Or would kill a friendship she treasured.

 

Because Haseul wasn't willing to wait. This was her sincere knowledge of the situation. And it fucked her to know it so well, because it wouldn't help her in any way right now.

 

"You haven't answered me." Jungeun's words lingered through the cold air, reminding Haseul of how fucked she was.

 

"... I can't."

 

She hid her head between her knees, trying to deny just what she was sure was the truth. The truth was she loved Jungeun, and the truth was she couldn't wait for her anymore. The ache in her heart just got stronger, harder to stand, knocking her down on the ground.

 

"I can't fucking wait for you anymore, Jungeun. I'm tired." The words came trembling out, muffled, but the blonde still heard them. Haseul was sure she was going to stand up right away and leave her, alone and sorry and depressed on the sidewalk.

 

And she didn't want it to happen. So with all the determination she could muster, Haseul left her previous, insecure stance and grabbed Jungeun's hands, holding onto them with her own. She looked her in the eyes, resolute on not letting her look away, and scooted closer, trying to sense any kind of hesitation or doubt in her.

 

But there was none.

 

Haseul moved closer still, now mere inches away from her face, eyes, nose, and lips. In the silence of the night, she could hear her breathing, and it was a mix of calm and storm; similar to hers.

 

She kissed her, still treading lightly even when their lips were already connected. But when Jungeun returned the kiss, Haseul didn't hold back anymore, kissing her more fiercely as if she was going to disappear into the air any second now. She held onto the blonde with a bit more strength than Haseul knew she had, and immediately apologized.

 

"I'm sorr-"

 

"Shut up." Jungeun didn't let her finish the sentence, capturing her mouth yet again, tangling her hands in Haseul's hair, pulling her by the neck.

 

They only broke apart because… oxygen, releasing labored breaths and smiling wide.

 

"I'm not going to wait." Haseul stated, still very much up in Jungeun's space, although the girl didn't seem to mind.

 

"Yeah… I noticed."

 

They laughed together like loons, and hugged each other tight for minutes that felt like hours.

 

"But I'm serious now, Jungeun. I know that… that Saturday was out of the blue, and sudden, and impulsive and everything else." Haseul was indeed, serious. "But it's real, what I feel for you, and I hope we can give this a chance, whatever this is. If you're not ready, I'll understand, but I am really, really crossing my fingers here."

 

Jungeun smiled, a sweet, genuine smile, and it warmed Haseul's heart.

 

"Well, you don't need to cross your fingers anymore."

 

[...]

 

 

Her back was beautiful. Most of the girls didn't know, because tank tops weren't usually a part of Haseul's attire, but this night she had borrowed one from Jungeun, and damn, she looked attractive in it.

 

The older girl was distracted, stirring a pot filled with good stuff that smelled even greater, and Jungeun was feeling so, so lucky.

 

She stepped closer, sneaking over to Haseul, embracing her with her arms, making Haseul giggle with that sweet voice which was just music to her ears. Jungeun kissed her shoulder, looking over it with curiosity.

 

"Looking delicious," she murmured, and whispering, added, "The food too."

 

Haseul turned the heat off, and mysteriously forgot about it.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> twitter is @messykyla for complaints or compliments, curiouscat of the same name for prompts and suggestions
> 
> bye! :)


End file.
